Which Way to Happiness?
How do we define "happiness" today? That may seem like a broad and subjective question unless we consider the possibility that happiness has become a mainstream concept. Does happiness hinge on society's expectations? How often do superficial trappings such as social status, physical appearance, and financial success determine happiness? We've often heard the adage, "Money can't buy happiness." But do only the wealthy come to that conclusion? For a person stuck in poverty, money could offer happiness in the form of a well-fed belly and a roof over one's head. And consider social media. The number of Instagram followers and "retweets" electrifies the young and propels them to seek the spotlight as their source of happiness while the older generations look on in bemusement. So, who gets to decide what it means to be happy?
Over the past couple of years, as I took stock of the pandemic that brought the modern world to its knees and left people in sudden isolation, I concluded that the power to create happiness lies within me. Within you. Within each of us. That might seem apparent, but upon further reflection, we'd all agree that very few of us utilize the power we wield.
As I struggled to make sense of the tragedies occurring in the world and my personal sphere, happiness seemed both a distant memory and an unlikely future. Realizing that I needed an outlet, I sought therapy and spent the COVID-19 lockdown trying to navigate my troubled past and conquer my fears regarding the future with the hope that I might learn to live fully in the present. Because I decided to focus on my well-being, I developed a heightened sense of self-awareness, which led me to understand the source of happiness, not just for myself but for all of us.
We often look to others to define our happiness or hold them responsible for our happiness or the lack thereof. With emerging clarity, I knew that if I continued blaming my parents for my lifelong anxieties or expected my spouse to cure my discontent, I would never achieve true happiness. Armed with that epiphany, I contemplated what happiness meant to me. Before long, I could admit that happiness meant more than just my role as a mom and spouse and that I did not feel entirely fulfilled in my career as a lawyer. I wanted more. And I wanted to live my life on my terms for the first time and not for the sake of everyone else. My happiness didn't relate just to the big-ticket items but trickled down even to the littlest details, like how much sleep I was getting each night or how much time I allotted for simple acts of self-care. "Happy" now seemed attainable, and I felt transformed. Moreover, that transformation manifested visibly to my family and friends, much to their wonder and awe.
But if it's so evident that the way to happiness rests at our feet, why do we not exercise our autonomy? Everyone is so interconnected through technology that the pressure to conform significantly burdens our choices. We're so busy taking cues from everyone else that we don't take the time to stop and reflect on what we truly desire deep down. Many of us hide behind fears of rejection, failure, and ostracism. And when we are disappointed or thwarted by life, rather than looking inwardly to explore our reactions, it's far easier to point fingers and deflect responsibility than to find solutions to setbacks.
A recent interaction with my son comes to mind that underscores this very point. Hovering between the edge of two worlds, emerging adulthood, and vanishing childhood, his teenage self, with its mercurial moods and burgeoning self-importance, has been a force to be reckoned with over the past couple of years. My son stormed into my room one day, frustrated about his curfew during the school year. Insisting that no other parents imposed such restrictions, he declared that we were stripping him of his freedom. At first, I tried to reason with him and explain that he had yet to exhibit proper time management. I assured him that all parents try to ensure their children are well-rested and thrive in school and that we were hardly the exceptions. When I realized my words were falling on deaf ears, I waited until his anger evaporated. I told him that while we as parents had to act in the best interest of his well-being, he alone could decide whether to stay mired in his resentments or alter the landscape.
Eager to share what I had just started to embrace before my son embarked upon the next chapter of his life, I told him that he could continue complaining and remaining miserable or figure out a way to be happy. Calling attention to his desire for freedom, I hinted that he could demonstrate his growth by acting more responsibly and earning the right to manage his time without supervision. And that is what he went on to prove, not without some stumbles but ultimately resulting in a happier kid and happier parents.
These experiences highlight another observation — cultivating happiness fosters a comfortable environment and leads to healthier relationships with family, friends, and colleagues.
We forget that what sets us apart as humankind is our beautifully complex brain and the ability to reason and think for ourselves. Happiness is so very individual and cannot be designed by anyone else. And indeed, creating our happiness takes courage. It requires an unshakeable commitment to stay true to oneself and a fierce determination to follow through in our passions regardless of the outcome and in the face of adversity. Happiness demands that we place self-worth and our well-being as a priority in our lives to live an authentic one. Whether we live more than one life remains a mystery, so with that uncertainty, we would do well to remember another old saying, "Life isn't a dress rehearsal." Choose to be happy now and to be the architect of your happiness. Remember that you are in the driver's seat.
